Saturday, January 1, 2011

Billionaire New Years Resolutions

I am convinced that Muse books will sell so well, that by the end of the year all Muse authors will be billionaires. So I have come up with some New Years resolutions that can be accomplished with all that money.

First, Baseball. When I was a kid, I liked baseball, but then a tragic event occurred and I lost all interest in the sport. So I am going to remedy this by using some of those billions to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers franchise and move the team back to Brooklyn where it belongs. Then all will be well.

Second, Music. The current output of so-called music, rock and top forty, is horrible. On a drive from Florida to New York and back, there were times it was impossible to find a decent radio station. In addition, a recent study by the noted scientist Dr. Bunsen Honeydew has showed that Rock music on car radios is a leading cause of Road Rage, and something more soothing would ameliorate the problem. So I'm going to take some of those billions and buy the company (Clear Channel?) that owns all those radio stations, and change their programming. I figure I can put Classical Music on half of the stations, and nice soothing elevator music on the rest of them. Then all will be well.

Third, Ugly Cars. I mean, look at what's on the road nowadays! SUV monstrosities, squat little things, and worst of all, those big boxy ones that look like a packing crate on wheels. All with totally drab paint jobs. Back in the late fifties they really knew how to design cars. So I'm going to take some of those billions and buy a car manufacturer, and start producing cars that really look like cars. Long, low, sleek, and with tail fins. Two-tone paint jobs on most of them, with three-tone paint on the top of the line models. Oh, one other thing ... remember how the driver's and passenger's door had those nice little vent windows in front of the regular roll-down windows? Yeah, they're coming back. Then all will be well.

So there are three resolutions I can accomplish with the billions of dollars I am going to make from my Muse books. I'm sure if I have to, I can come up with more, equally practical and valuable, but for the moment three will do.

Happy New Year, everyone!