Saturday, January 1, 2011

Billionaire New Years Resolutions

I am convinced that Muse books will sell so well, that by the end of the year all Muse authors will be billionaires. So I have come up with some New Years resolutions that can be accomplished with all that money.

First, Baseball. When I was a kid, I liked baseball, but then a tragic event occurred and I lost all interest in the sport. So I am going to remedy this by using some of those billions to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers franchise and move the team back to Brooklyn where it belongs. Then all will be well.

Second, Music. The current output of so-called music, rock and top forty, is horrible. On a drive from Florida to New York and back, there were times it was impossible to find a decent radio station. In addition, a recent study by the noted scientist Dr. Bunsen Honeydew has showed that Rock music on car radios is a leading cause of Road Rage, and something more soothing would ameliorate the problem. So I'm going to take some of those billions and buy the company (Clear Channel?) that owns all those radio stations, and change their programming. I figure I can put Classical Music on half of the stations, and nice soothing elevator music on the rest of them. Then all will be well.

Third, Ugly Cars. I mean, look at what's on the road nowadays! SUV monstrosities, squat little things, and worst of all, those big boxy ones that look like a packing crate on wheels. All with totally drab paint jobs. Back in the late fifties they really knew how to design cars. So I'm going to take some of those billions and buy a car manufacturer, and start producing cars that really look like cars. Long, low, sleek, and with tail fins. Two-tone paint jobs on most of them, with three-tone paint on the top of the line models. Oh, one other thing ... remember how the driver's and passenger's door had those nice little vent windows in front of the regular roll-down windows? Yeah, they're coming back. Then all will be well.

So there are three resolutions I can accomplish with the billions of dollars I am going to make from my Muse books. I'm sure if I have to, I can come up with more, equally practical and valuable, but for the moment three will do.

Happy New Year, everyone!


  1. Bah, humbug Jim.
    I'm going to make baseball illegal and require everyone to switch to cricket -- which is equally daft.
    On the music, I'm with you, but I'm going to see a law passed that will keep the designation for real music as 'music', but the rest as 'rhythmic noise' and/or 'hog calling practice'.
    Oh, the cars. I always got a good laugh at American cars of the fifties -- huge behemoths that couldn't pass gas stations and couldn't corner or stop well enough to be safe on the roads. Yeah, you do that -- everyone needs a good laugh again.
    Chris H.

  2. Well my needs are fairly simple. As a Muse Author with all that money at my disposal I suppose first on my list would be to get a maid and a nanny so I could have the freedom to enjoy my riches. Right now I'd have to threaten a babysitter at gunpoint to watch my little darlings, but if I could throw buckets of cash at someone maybe they wouldn't mind the job so much--kind of like getting paid to stay in a haunted house overnight.

  3. about using the sports portion to give equal time to the game that is really football---rumor has it you Yanks have bastardized the name to make it reflect none of what it is---"Soccer"?? Really? What are you socking and does that not involve the use of hands when one socks? A bit more than odd, that. It's past time the fever reach the American shores---world soccer---Football is THE game of athleticism and finesse.(minus the sissies that dive without being touched to garner false yellow and red cards from refs that refuse to call such theatrical antics...but that is the topic of another blog)

    There is music and there is country/rap aka= crap. Please bring back the musicality of anything before 1980. Most all qualifies whereas about 3% of anything produced after that date is anything but rhythmic noises as you so aptly point out.

    As for cars---how about the classic sedan with enough curves to appeal and not fight aerodynamics? How about high mileage endeavours so Americans don't have to choose between filling the tank and sending their children to university? practical.

    Imagine the most powerful country in the world actually consuming their fair percentage of the globes resources rather than the king's share. Perhaps there'd be fewer enraged souls out to blow up the first U.S. citizen they come across.

    Personally I'd adore finding deserving causes to which I might donate a large portion of those earnings as there are just so many baths and bejeweled frocks any one person needs. *sigh* I fear that cash will continue to flow to the Lady GaGa's, Justin Beibers and flash in the pan petty criminals that pass before our flickering attentoon spans. Yeah...more gossip, paparrazis and 1000 stupid ways to die is what we need to know more about. An eternal "Hangover"...the normal state of middle American consciousness.

    Excepting the bastion of readers that still find pleasure, solice and knowledge in a book of fiction or fact that has been culled from the vast sea of flotsam out there---edited and printed by a real publisher. The balm of the thinking man's life--thank God for e-readers, print and the underground of intellectuals that keep the backbone of society strong beneath the onslaught of popular culture.

    Not sure billions will be enough earned...our job is to save the world from the trite and downright mind melting drivel as easy to access as fast food. Write on, Jim!

    Christine London

  4. Great prediction, Jim. I think I'll buy an island with my billions! Then we can plan our Muse reunion there when it turns cold and ugly everywhere else. :-)

    Best wishes for everyone. May it be the most profitable year ever.
    C.K. Volek

  5. Jim, I'm afraid playing classical music and elevator music will lull our drivers to sleep thus causing death and havoc on our roads, not to mention traffic jams. However your new old style car will be able to safely plow right through I'm sure and arrive on time. Love your creative mind. It'll be time for a party when we are all billionaires or even millionaires!! how about a few bucks?

  6. Jim, it looks like you will be too busy to write. That would be a waste. I am enjoying The Ghost of Grover's Ridge.
    Charlie, I like the idea of an island. What a reunion/retreat that would be. Sunshine and time to write... perfect.

  7. Fabulous! Can't wait to see all those cars! Might have to invest in one. But please keep one rock and roll station for me! I sometimes get my best plotting (fight scenes mostly) with my heavier metal tunes...grin.

    Cheers, Sara

  8. I'm not an author with Muse, but perhaps one day. With my billionaire I'd give half away or more to the underprivileged. I'm not sure what I'd do with the rest. lol. :)